I was lucky last year. For my birthday in early March, I had an ambitious idea to throw a themed murder mystery dinner party in a venue that I rented out for just me. I decorated the entire venue in draped black cloth, fairy lights, candles, and spider webs, it looked amazing!
In the daytime before the epic murder mystery event, I arranged for my closest friends to go on a scavenger hunt in some romantic 18th-century gunpowder factory ruins in the English countryside. The day was beautiful and we frolicked around the crumbling stones and had a proper laugh. It was the most epic birthday party I have had in a long time. And for the first time in many years, nearly all my dearest friends were together with me. We had such an amazing and cherished time together.
Then Covid hit. Lockdown happened only about a week after my birthday and all of our worlds changed forever. I had no idea I would not see most of those people again for a very long time. Many of which I have still not seen. Now, a year later, I sit on my own, in a graveyard watching the sunset like the sad sappy new romantic goth that I am. I did not escape a lockdown birthday, it seems we will all get our turn.
The graveyard is my thinking place, so I am left to ponder what another year older means for me. Though in normal circumstances, I would do something special, any excuse for a bit of fun or to make life magical! (or a justification to just eat more cake!) But there is literally no one to see or anywhere to go but here. Well, maybe the park but the dead people city has far fewer people and ‘over-friendly dogs.’ It seems better to be surrounded by the dead than the intrusion of living strangers.
For me… this birthdays only reminds me that time is running out to accomplish my dreams and goals. And, as a woman, this leads to another very burdensome thought. Will people value me if I am no longer as young as I used to be? This is not a self-confidence issue, but an experience from life, it seems a fact. Though self-realized women value themselves more than their youth and beauty, the majority of society tends not to.
This concept is easily shown for example with my social media posts. When I create a very deep and meaningful post about mental health or another important philosophical concept, I get far fewer reactions and comments than when I simply post a picture of myself all dolled up. It can be INCREDIBLY frustrating. My solution; just combine the two, ha! Though my post might have nothing to do with me looking pretty, just by attaching that picture can increase engagement MASSIVELY. In fact, I am even going to do it for social media for this blog to make an ironic point!
A recent social media post is a perfect example of this. I put a link to the previous blog before this one that is an excerpt to my upcoming book, ‘9 Lives To Courage.’ The picture for this blog was some younger pictures of me as a teenager as it was relevant to some of the content. Not one person commented on the blog or what I had written. There were several comments on how pretty I looked when I was younger. Hmmmmm. I found it interesting yet sad, as much as I like the compliments of my youthful looks in the past, I would prefer praise for the achievements of my present. I am sure there are lots of women out there who could tell similar stories.
But eventually, I will get older and what does that mean? That no one will pay attention to anything of value I provide or offer to the world? I think this is a problem that many females relate to and struggle with. For me, it has been proven over and over in my life that my looks were what people paid attention to first. But I will not always be young and beautiful, I am barely that now. And the things I want to share with the world go far beyond what my outside body symbolizes. Surely there must be a way to transcend this rather unpleasant social valuing system, both personally and professionally?
I sit and think about this for a long time. Watching the birds flit around the tombstones, completely unaware of their morbid contents underneath. New growth curls around many of these stones, slowly hiding and eroding the few lines that are the only thing left of these ancient souls, their last testament that they ever existed at all. Absorbing this symbolic scene around me, I ask myself, what truly lasts about someone? This new question revealed an answer for my first.
I came to the conclusion that the solution lies within the passionate creativity and goodness within each of us. There is a power that can shine through the B.S of superficial desire and punch straight through the soul. It lies within creativity that is impossible to ignore, it grabs and doesn’t let go, sucking you into another transformative world. I know certainly this powerful energy that others have possessed has done this for me. The uniqueness of their ambition, character, desire, magical creativity, and goodness within inspired me to make radical changes in my life and influenced my art, writing, and approach to life.
I believe this powerful creativity lies within all of us, however, just in different ways. It does not always manifest in the obvious forms such as in art, fashion and writing as with myself. It is the soul of every single person’s true purpose, their own gift they have to give to the world, that one unique way that their own skills, passion, and flavour impact the environment around them.
Many sadly believe they have nothing to give and they are worthless. I believed these things about my life once as well. But it is the biggest lie that is ultimately the most self-fulfilling destructive prophecy ever told. And why do we keep telling it to ourselves? I think the fear of hope is at the root as well as a damaged ability to love and self-nurture. Believe me, this energy is within ALL of us. However, it is an energy that is cultivated through self-discovery, healing and letting passion and dreams become alive again. It is the willingness to begin the journey to accept your own worth and believe in your own essential and meaningful destiny.
I know it’s difficult… I have been there. Getting myself to dare to believe… it really did take everything. But oh my, the colours that come flooding back into life once you open your heart… it is radiant and awe-inspiring.
I felt a stirring in my own soul. Helping people find exactly this creative energy and passion is part of my own dream, it is everything I am striving for in life right now, I just had never thought about it in this way. We all have a unique role to play, something to offer that no one else can, a ‘butterfly effect’ that ripples through us all. Tapping into this energy was how I could ultimately redefine my value to the world again, regardless of how people treat me, or how they recognize me. Because ultimately, living my true purpose would touch the people I need to reach, and that is all that actually matters. X